And during the night Kerry calls and says that she wants to go see a movie and I think, why not, I have fuck all to do anyway. We ended up watching State of Play which must be the most confusing movie known to mankind whilst Kerry feeds me chocolate which she had sneaked in to the cinema. Oh, and we also got student discounts.
Anyway today I am in London and I log on to MSN and see Stupid Flatmate on Xbox because Xbox signs you on automatically and tells the world that you are geeky/rich/sad enough to actually own an Xbox. It also tells everyone what you are doing on the Xbox. And Stupid Flatmate's status says: Xbox 360: FIFA 09 (Stupid Flatmate*) *where Stupid Flatemate would replace his real "gamer name". God I feel so dirty just saying, "gamer name".
I have written a lot about Stupid Flatmate and I suppose that everyone would want to know why he deserves that nickname.
Let's document what he does when he gets home from work.
- At 1830 he'll come in, goes to his room and turns on his computer.
- 1900 he will turn on the oven, then stick in a supermarket-branded pizza. He will buy the cheapest supermarket pizza he can find (no Taste the Difference for him, in fact, he does not even shop at Sainsbury's because he's such a parsimonious miser). To make himself feel better about eating such shit food he will put a couple of olives from a jar onto the pizza, sqeeze some anchovy paste (stolen from me), and then at the same time cook some oven chips. Yes, he eats pizza and chips almost every fucking day. It's amazing he's still managed to stay that thin.
- 1920 he will then sit in front of the TV, turn on his Xbox and choose a selection of "internet videos" to watch. This "internet video" is somewhat like a podcast, but it's very geeky and centres around the lives of geeks using computers and is fictional but the production quality is horrendously amateurish. Sometimes he puts on something decent like the Simpsons and I sit and watch it with him because I like to imagine that we are flatmates and we do what normal flatmates do including banter. Sadly I am deluding myself.
- He eats his oven chips with a curry sauce which costs 4p. I know, because I bought it too out of curiosity (I threw it out because it tastes exactly like it's worth 4p).
- 1945 he finishes his meal but instead of washing up, he'll leave it by the side of the sink despite the fact that we have a dishwasher. He will do the same the next day and the day after for about a week until he decides he has run out of plates or I tell him to clean it. Clearly putting dishes in a dishwasher is too much work for him even though he's not actually cooked anything and it's all ready meals. He will then go back to his room and mess around with his computer.
- 2030 his friend (our mutual friend, but he is closer to Stupid Flatmate) who lives in Block 1 will come over, and together they will play the Xbox, probably FIFA 09 (like they are at this moment I guess). He will also probably offer his friend a can of Stella but he won't offer me one which I think is fucking rude because I offer Stupid Flatmate food/drinks when my friends come over to eat.
- Stupid Flatmate and his friend will play football till late. I like to go to bed by 2200 because Stupid Flatmate has to wake up at 0600 and I need 8 hours sleep whereas Stupid Flatmate doesn't. When I tell Stupid Flatmate that I have to go to bed and if he would mind either turning the volume down or asking his friend to leave, Stupid Flatmate will sulk and not speak to me the next day. He'll also argue and say that 2200 is too early to go to bed. Admittedly it is true, but then I say to him that 0600 is way too early to wake up. *I must explain that the walls are really thin in my flat. I can hear him toss and turn in bed. Stupid Flatmate once even dared to tell me to take sleeping pills so that I can sleep whilst he plays his stupid Xbox.
When I told my friends this, they couldn't believe it. As one friend put it, "He wants you to drug yourself so that he can play his video games!?".
Anyway, we continue:
- So he will keep playing until 0000 unless I really make a scene (and I hate making a scene) and his friend will leave because it is a school night and his friend wakes up at 0800 unlike me. Stupid Flatmate will then go back into his room and then watch another video. I know, because I can hear him laughing to himself quite loudly. He'll carry on till 0200 and fall asleep with the lights on and video still playing.
- At 0600 his alarm will start to beep. He is such a heavy sleeper that sometimes he sleeps through this first alarm, and it goes silent after 1 minute. Naturally this alarm wakes me up from the very first beep.
- At 0610 his second alarm will start beeping. This is when he'll probably turn it off. Then go back to sleep.
- At 0620 his third alarm will go off, and he'll turn it off and go back to bed.
- At 0630 his fourth alarm, this time on his mobile phone, will go off. He gets up for real, goes for a piss (I mentioned that my walls are really thin?) and then comes out letting his room door bang shut.
- So from 0600 till 0700 (which is when he leaves) I am kept awake by him being noisy. Any sane person would have gone crazy by now, and to suggest that I go back to bed at 0700 is just crazy because it is impossible. Anyway I like to wake up at 0700 because it's an appropriate time to start the day.
You might notice that I omitted the part about him having a shower. That's because he doesn't. In the nine months I have lived with him, I don't think I have ever heard him have a shower. I have, however, heard him spray lynx deodorant. He is really smelly and rumour has it that he doesn't shower because of his eczema which I think is totally stupid.
Once a friend came by and she poked her head round his room because I did mention that he stinks and she agreed and said, "His room smells like someone who's not washed for days". Her words, not mine.
He is made extra smelly by his clothes. See, he washes them at 0˚C because he is, again, such a cheapskate that he's not willing to pay for that extra bit of electricity to heat the washer's water up to 30˚C for clean clothes. His clothes smell of stale sweat and damp. When he hangs his clothes out to dry in the living room, the whole flat smells terrible and I frequently feel like retching.
He never does housework either. OK maybe just taking out the rubbish once a week but that's about it. I do all the cleaning and scrubbing and vacuuming and I have asked him if he would help, but I got a very non-committal "OK'.
It feels like I'm living with a 15 year-old teenager whom I have to constantly nag and I hate nagging at Stupid Flatmate to do things because he's a fucking adult (23 years old).
I feel I've devoted too long a post to him. I may continue discussing his disgustingness in a different post, but I feel that this has gone on long enough for today.
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